Why does my teen hate me so much? Understanding and Managing Teen Behaviour.

Teenage years are often marked by significant emotional and behavioural changes which can be challenging for parents, carers, and educators. For many, behaviours such as arguing, swearing, moodiness, and angry outbursts can become more frequent, especially during stressful periods like exam season. In this week’s session, Clinical Psychologist, Dr Sarah-Jane Knight, shared valuable insights into managing difficult teenage behaviour and understanding the underlying causes.

The Developmental Purpose of Teenage Behaviour

Sarah-Jane explained that during adolescence, young people undergo massive neurological changes, which often leads to emotional dysregulation. This period also prepares them for separation from their parents and developing their own identities. While sometimes it may feel like the attachment between parent and child is strained, it's a normal part of growing up.

Handling Difficult Teenage Behaviour

Knowing how to deal with challenging teen behaviour can be hard, with the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing resulting in an even more stressful situation for parents and other siblings. Sarah-Jane shared some tips for handling difficult moments:

Don’t Take It Personally: Teenagers often direct their frustrations and difficult emotions towards their parents, who are their safe and trusted figures. Viewing these outbursts neutrally can help in managing them better.

Be Less Reactive: In the heat of the moment, staying neutral and non-reactive can prevent the situation from escalating. Consequences for inappropriate behaviour can be addressed later when emotions have settled.

Break the Cycle: If a pattern of escalating arguments is emerging, it's essential to break the cycle by responding differently and not falling into familiar, unproductive patterns.

Strategies for Maintaining Connection

Sarah-Jane stressed the importance of maintaining a connection with teenagers during this challenging period to ensure teens know that despite their frustrations, you’re still there to help and support them through this confusing life stage.

Focus on Repair: After conflicts, prioritise repairing the relationship rather than proving a point or being right.

Small Acts of Kindness: Simple gestures like making a cup of tea or bringing a snack can convey care and help maintain the bond (though not in the immediate moment of conflict)

Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and appreciate positive behaviours and character traits to balance the negative interactions. Always acknowledge them when they try to respond differently in challenging situations - they are trying.

Differentiating Normal Development from Mental Health Issues

While some teenagers may exhibit more intense behaviours, Sarah-Jane explained that it's generally a normal part of development. However, if there are significant changes in their general functioning, such as school performance or social interactions, it may indicate underlying mental health issues that require additional support. 

Addressing Specific Issues

During audience Q&A, Sarah-Jane gave advice on a number of issues that can impact the mood and behaviour of teenagers. 

Grief and Loss

When teenagers experience significant losses, such as the death of a family member, they may not openly express their feelings to protect their parents. It's important to:

Acknowledge Your Own Feelings: Share your feelings of sadness to create an open environment for them to express theirs.

Seek External Support: Bereavement charities like Cruise and Winston's Wish can provide valuable resources and support.

Pushing Boundaries

Teenagers often test boundaries, and it's essential to:

Set Reasonable Boundaries: Avoid micromanaging and focus on significant issues.

Consistent Consequences: Clearly communicate and enforce consequences for breaking rules.

Seek External Help: If defiance is relentless, consider family therapy to help you all get through these situations.

Anger and Destructive Behaviour

For teenagers who express anger through destructive behaviour:

Acceptable Behaviour: Talk to them about what is and what is not acceptable behaviour in your household and why.

Provide Alternatives: Help them find non-destructive ways to channel their anger, such as using a punching bag.

Repair and Consequences: Involve them in repairing any damage caused as a consequence of their actions, but not as a punishment, as a way of getting them involved in really understanding the consequence of their destruction.

Tracking Apps

Using tracking apps can be a source of tension, but they are also a perfectly acceptable way to help young teens practice independence safely. It's important to:

Communicate Clearly: Be transparent about using tracking apps and explain the reasons behind it, and try not to micro manage.

Respect Privacy: As teenagers grow older, gradually reduce the use of tracking apps to respect their independence.

Navigating the teenage years requires patience, understanding, and a focus on maintaining a positive relationship. By staying calm, setting reasonable boundaries, and focusing on repair, parents can help their teenagers through this challenging period. Remember, it's a phase that most families go through.