How to build stronger bonds with your teen

Parenting teenagers is tough - strong emotions on both sides can make it hard to connect and get your message across. The key isn’t forcing your point, but finding ways to listen and communicate without overreacting. This week, we were joined by Dr. Sheila Redfern, a Consultant Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologist at Redfern Psychology and Head of Trauma at Anna Freud, who shared practical tips on strengthening the parent-teen bond and finding better ways to communicate.

The Role of Reactive Vs Reflective Parenting

Dr. Redfern talked about the importance of Reflective Parenting - a method that encourages parents to be curious about the thoughts and feelings behind a teenager’s actions, rather than focusing solely on the challenging behaviour itself. By taking a step back and being reflective, parents can show emotional control without being too strict or too lenient. This reflecting, or 'mentalizing' process also importantly involves parents reflecting on their own thoughts and feelings and the meaning behind these. This process of reflecting on the self and teenager creates space for teens to feel heard and respected, making it easier to connect and communicate.  It also allows teenagers to see their parent modelling reflection. 

Emotional Regulation

A big part of connecting with teens is being able to manage our own emotions as parents. When we stay calm, we’re better able to understand and respond to what our teens need. Simple things like taking a breath, pausing to calm down, or just being clear about how we’re feeling can help keep things in check, and keep us emotionally regulated. 

Addressing Triggers and Setting Boundaries

Understanding your own triggers helps maintain calm and balance. Dr. Redfern suggests creating a "parent map" to identify what sets off your strong reactions and why. For example, you might have something on your parent map that is a big influence from your own childhood, such as being polite and respectful, or equally you may have had a difficult experience with a parent that you don't want to replicate. This awareness allows parents to handle tough situations more thoughtfully. She also introduced the idea of an “emotional thermometer,” where you can visualise staying in a balanced, calm zone (orange) and less in the dysregulated, reactive zone (red) to help with connection and reflection. The opposite end of the thermometer (the blue or cold end) is also unhelpful as it means we are emotionally shut off or unavailable. 

Keeping it Real

Empathy matters in parenting, but it’s tough when you don’t agree with your teen or their perspective. Dr. Redfern says don’t fake it—teens can tell. Instead, be honest about how you feel and admit when you’re not sure how to respond, but that you are glad your teen felt able to share their feelings with you.  That keeps the connection open and alive.

Supporting Neurodiverse Teenagers

Neurodiverse teens may need more time and space to self-regulate. Parents should respect this while making sure the teen knows they’re still supported. Dr. Redfern suggests connecting through activities that respect their boundaries to help maintain a sense of closeness and keep the relationship strong. She acknowledges that parents can often feel sad about their neurodiverse teens need for more space and separation from them. The parent Map work can help with managing these feelings of loss. 

Supporting Teenagers Through Challenges

When teens are going through tough times, like grief, trauma or mental health struggles, it's important to communicate openly and help them access the right support. Dr. Redfern talked about the importance of listening and understanding their point of view, while creating a nurturing environment and support system that acknowledges their individual needs, and helps them feel understood and validated. She advised parents could work out who the most important and helpful people are in their support network. 

"It's important to keep letting your teenager know, even if they need space, that you're still thinking about them and checking on them."

Parenting teens takes a balance of empathy, reflection, and staying calm and at all times curious about our teenagers. By being more thoughtful in how we parent, we can build a stronger connection with our teens and help them grow into well-adjusted adults. It’s not always easy, but with the right approach, it’s worth it, and it benefits them and us.

To find out more about parenting and connections, you can read Dr. Redfern's books, "Reflective Parenting" and "How Do You Hug a Cactus?" Her work focuses on the importance of curiosity and self-regulation in parenting, offering practical tools for connecting with teens.